Shoo, Fly - Don't Bother Me!

Visitors to Old Man Farm often find themselves dancing. Within minutes of their arrival, people are hopping from side to side, waving their arms in the air, and dodging to and fro in an exotic rhythm reminiscent of experimental modern dance.

I'd love to be able to say that these folks are inspired by the landscape, or that their souls are so deeply moved by all we've accomplished here (muffled laughter) that they are dancing for joy. But I can't. The cold, hard truth is that most of our visitors have never encountered the sheer diversity of biting insects that exist here in God's Country. They dance because they are unused to being welcomed by a winged horde intent on making them - literally - one with nature.

You have to appreciate that each insect has its own personality, and will greet you accordingly. Clouds of black flies descend like adoring groupies, and try to get to know you intimately by crawling inside your ears, nose, and mouth. The mosquitoes greet you in embracing swarms, reaching out with long appendages to beckon you "come hither." At night, there are the no-see-ums - shy creatures that approach quietly en masse, leaving you with a sense of betrayal and burning. Finally, the horse flies and deer flies offer their up-front, no-nonsense greeting - "Hello! I'm here to bite you painfully on the ass."

Visitors to Paradise are often completely undone by this welcome. They huddle in the house, or swathe themselves like living mummies and go stumbling about in the fields. They fumigate themselves with enough chemicals to kill an entire Insectarium. They complain. Loudly. There is almost a sense of moral outrage. People want to imagine a pastoral ideal - gently rolling hills of green dotted by contented cows; fields of daisy and buttercup; the contented farmer surveying his domain. Nobody ever imagines the flies.

Flies are, to my mind, the true litmus test of whether someone can survive and thrive in this setting. People who are suited to country life discover and embrace one secret: Flies are a state of mind.

Think about it. There are over 100 species of black flies in Canada. The mosquito exists everywhere in North America, except for a couple of tiny islands in the Arctic (a setting which, despite its admirable lack of flies, has other obvious challenges). There are 75 species of horse fly, 42 of deer fly, and heaven-only-knows how many no-seeums (they're pretty small - perhaps they're too difficult to count). You can wear appropriate clothing, invest in a bug suit, avoid peak fly periods, adopt DEET as your new cologne, but the reality is - flies are unavoidable. Resistance is futile. You WILL be assimilated... at least, portions of you.

So here is the secret, Little Blossom. You must become one with the flies. Do not fight them. Move toward the flies. Find and embrace your inner fly. Do not dance, Little Blossom. BE THE FLY.